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tallihensia2010-12-22 04:07 am
seagull2eagle.livejournal.com) wrote in tallihensia2010-12-22 04:07 am
Fic: Most Regretted (Smallville) Clex
Title: Most Regretted
Fandom: Smallville - Pairing: Clex
Rating: PG-13 - Size: 5,075
Type: drama, angst, h/c
Warnings: DEATH FIC. Sortof. It gets better.
-- Seriously - I made myself cry on this one... so even though it has a happy ending (really, it does!), only read this if you can spend some time crying first. O.O
Spoilers: none
Summary: A meteor mutant shows Clark what he will most regret in his future. Will Clark learn from it?
Disclaimer: Only mine in my dreams. ;-) This story was written for free entertainment purposes only and may not be reproduced for profit or altered without permission.
Notes:
Set mid-season 3. For the h/c bingo card, square "showing character the error of his ways." Beta by Ronda. Cross-posted to Archive of Our Own
"I think these suicides are suspicious." Chloe shoved a handful of newspaper clippings into Clark's hands.
Clark flipped through them. "Chloe, two people killed themselves, they both left notes, the police investigated, and they're ruled suicides. What is suspicious about that?"
"Because they were happy the day before they died! Each of them. Just going about their lives in normal, regular day-to-day things, then they meet up with Handal and the next day, boom, they're dead."
Clark checked the articles again. Nope, didn’t say a word about Handal, the new carpenter in town. Before he got to that, though... "A lot of people who are suicidal don't give any indication ahead of time. In fact, sometimes they are happier, because they've made a decision."
Chloe tapped her foot impatiently. "And Handal?"
"Where'd you get that information? And he's been doing a lot of work around town after the last storm. I bet dozens of people have met him, and there's only two people dead. That's not exactly a statistic."
"I never reveal my sources," Chloe said with a grin. "But it's true. As for statistics..." She frowned and turned to her computer. "Three other people he met with have left town abruptly; two on trips, another permanently. Fred Jenkins is running around telling everybody he's sorry and jumping at shadows. Mark Hawthorn has reconciled with his wife. And I've had other odd reports from other people. And..." She paused and raised her eyebrows at Clark.
Clark sighed. "Let me guess. Handal was in Smallville on the day of the meteors."
"You got it! Well, the week after. He was making repairs to a lot of the homes and shops damaged in the shower."
It was enough to investigate. Clark admitted it while at the same time not wanting Chloe anywhere near somebody who made people commit suicide. Chloe was a strong person and she was the one who did most of the investigation work, but when it came down to her being in danger from those investigations... Clark resolved to go check out Handal first, before Chloe had her scheduled meeting with him.
... ... ...
Handal raised his hammer and brought it down upon the nail. "Is there anything you've ever regretted in your life?"
"Huh?" Clark shifted from side to side, uneasy. So far, Handal was just another guy, working on Mr. Merkin's chicken coop.
"Regret is sorrow for something you have done, something you would change if you could."
"Well, sure, yeah." Clark winced, thinking of the meteors. "Doesn't everybody?"
"Not the little things, the things we all do. Or the things we haven't done but just think we're responsible for. I mean real regrets, something that you should never have done and did anyhow and now shove it off to the side of your mind and forget because otherwise it would drive you crazy to remember. It may not be something you've done now, but something you will do. Or a lot of little somethings that add up to a future 'if only' to regret."
Future regrets? Okay, Chloe was right. This guy was off his rocker and Clark suspected little green rocks were part of the problem. Clark sighed. "Now, Handal..."
Handal put down the hammer and walked up to him. "I feel them, you know. Not everybody has them. Most people only have the little ones, the ones life always gives us. But for some people... it just burns. Yours burn green, and bright, and hot. Other people. It's always other people." He reached out and clasped Clark's hand in his.
Clark was surprised for one instant too long and didn't pull away. He gasped as he felt sorrow rise up like a tidal wave and he wanted to cry. In front of him, Handal really was crying.
"What... not me... I don't... it never... why am I..." Tears streamed from Handal's eyes, the paths outlining the shock on his face.
Obviously, Clark's alienness was causing another reaction than the one Handal had expected. For a moment, Clark glimpsed a younger Handal, holding somebody's hand while a meteor rock shown brightly nearby. Then Clark's vision was swept away by the sorrow and he was carried off somewhere else.
... ... ...
Superman flew over Metropolis, heading for Lex Corp Tower. He had gotten Luthor's summons, complete with hostage, and though he'd freed an angry Lois, Luthor himself was nowhere to be seen. The summons was clear, though, and as the city celebrated the night before Christmas below, Superman sought his enemy.
He landed on the rooftop and took a few steps forward before he paused, cocking his head to listen to the song playing through the surround sound. In front of him, the table covered with a red cloth and wine glasses made a little more sense, with the song.
The news had come out in the First World War
The bloody Red Baron was flying once more
The Allied Command ignored all of its men
And called on Snoopy to do it again.
"Snoopy vs. the Red Baron?" Superman asked, amused. He hadn't heard the song for... well, since he'd last been friends with Lex. His mouth tightened, and he remembered he shouldn't be amused.
Lex Luthor approached from the shadows, his hands in his pockets. "Snoopy's Christmas. Snoopy vs. The Red Baron is a different song."
"What do you want, Luthor?" Superman hardened his heart. It had been long ago since then and he wouldn't let memories get in the way.
Luthor tisked as he walked to the table and poured himself a glass of the wine. "Goodwill to men. It's the night before Christmas, and I thought we could share a toast. As old enemies do."
Around them, the lyrics of the song echoed out the same. A pause in the fight, a moment between them and then to fight another day. Clark watched Lex sipping his wine and he sighed. "One glass, no tricks."
"No tricks, Clark," Lex agreed, with what passed for a smile these days upon his lips.
Clark looked at him sharply at the use of his name.
"It's just us," Lex said with a shrug. He waved his hand around the penthouse roof. "I promise, no recording devices. Just you, me, and the city below."
Clark was so tired of fighting Lex. He poured himself a glass of the wine and sipped it cautiously. "So you're the Red Baron?" He tried to keep it light, but some of his bitterness showed in his voice, he knew.
"Aren't I?" Lex smiled again, this time with a harder, mocking edge. "That would, of course, make you Snoopy." He raised his glass to Clark and then drank again.
Clark returned the toast, hopeful. Perhaps, this time, for once... A knot of pain spread out from his stomach and spread through his body. He coughed, dropping the glass and watching as it shattered in slow motion. The table went down beside him as he collapsed on it. Pain.
Lex looked down and sipped his wine. "Was it something you drank?"
"Lex..." Clark got to his knees but no further before he collapsed again.
"You sound so surprised. Why would it surprise you, after all this time? Isn't that what you expect from me? Lies and deceit? I am, after all, a Luthor, not ever to be trusted."
Clark rolled over and gasped, his lungs tight, longing for air. He couldn't focus... then he could. The pain was still there, but somewhat removed, off to one side. He tried to move, but his limbs wouldn't obey him. "Lex, what...?"
"Poison, of course." Lex put his glass down as he helped Clark up into a sitting position, back against the wall. "That's better." He picked up his glass again and then sat next to Clark, looking out over the city. "I'm sorry about the pain. Yours has kryptonite in it, of course, and then something for the muscles so you won't fly away. I tried to make something without pain for you, but with the kryptonite, it couldn't be helped."
Lex sounded so reasonable... but that had always been the problem. So reasonable, so sincere, so caring about Clark while he destroyed everything around them. "Why?"
"Ah, the eternal question why. Why the poison? Why the deceit? Why the song? Why you? Why now? Why are you such an idiot that you stood there and drank your own death?"
"You... lied." Clark forced out.
"Again, you sound so astonished. But that was always the problem wasn't it." Lex sighed. "It was all right for you to lie to me, oh of course it was. But me? I was expected to tell you everything and anything, no matter what, no matter when. Government contract? Who cares – an oath was supposed to mean nothing if it mean you should have the truth. Your friends steal thousands, then millions from me? Oh, that should be nothing to me, and I should forgive them, for they are your friends. You make a mistake and I'm to forgive you, for you are but a teenager. Chloe makes a mistake, but oh, she meant well, so you forgive her. I make a mistake? I'm evil and horrible and never ever to be forgiven because I'm a Luthor and Luthors are evil and it doesn't matter what I meant to do. You'll take me back if I beg, but grudgingly, and only because if you didn't, I may not give gifts to your friends any more. But find another billionaire, and oh, it's time to throw Lex out on the streets because he's a Luthor after all." Lex paused for more wine.
Clark flinched; it hadn't been like that. "You were doing bad things!" He coughed and started to slide over.
Lex righted Clark and then sipped his wine again. "Maybe I was, later on. But who told me no? Oh, I know who did, it was the person who stole my car and then lied about it. It was the person who asked for my help and then hit me on the head and gave me a concussion so you could steal what they were stealing. It was the person who always always waited until I was unconscious before doing anything, so I wouldn't see you, no matter how close to death me or any of my people came in the meantime. It was the person who lied and lied and lied and looked me in the face and lied and then lied some more. Yet, you're surprised now that I'm lying? Who is the real bad one, Clark? You did all that before I ever did anything."
There was nothing Clark could say to that, except, "That's not how it was..."
With a laugh, Lex poured himself some more wine. "Yes, it was. Don't lie. Though I suppose you're so used to it, you don't even notice it anymore." The song came to an end and switched to the next one on the tape. Lex sighed. "I could have forgiven you the lies about yourself. It was, after all, a huge secret for a teenager. It was driving me crazy, but I did understand that. It was the other ones, the ones about my car, the ones about Belle Reve, the ones about my father... the god-damn-concussion. You know, if I wasn’t a mutant myself with healing powers, I could have died from that. If you hit somebody hard enough to knock them out, it's hard enough to bruise the brain or fracture the skull. But I said nothing, because it was you. I should have dropped you, left Smallville, left you. But I stayed, because you said you were my friend. Any scrap from you, even when we were fighting... any hint of your attention was enough to keep me there. I was a fool."
Lex finished his drink and then tossed the glass over the wall. "But then, so were you."
Clark's breathing was labored. "Why..."
Lex turned and glared at him.
"...now. Why now?"
The city commanded Lex's attention, and he leaned against Clark's shoulder. "I'm sorry, I'm not being a good host. I didn't invite you over here for us to fight together."
Clark raised his eyebrows. "Could have... fooled... me."
"It's true," Lex insisted, snuggling a little closer to Clark. "I invited you here so we could die together."
With an effort of will, Clark turned his head. Lex was pale, his skin almost translucent. What Clark had mistaken for snuggling was in fact Lex's body going limp beside him. "Lex..."
"I'm dying," Lex said, his breath shallow but his words clear. "No cure. And if I was to die, I wanted my best friend, my enemy, my balance and my other, to be in my tomb with me. Raise the pyramid around us, seal us in, together, forever."
Clark caught his breath, half-longing for that vision. But another part of him rebelled. "The world---"
"The world can go fuck itself," Lex harshly interrupted. "You've saved it more times than it deserves. Somebody else can save it next time. You're a hero, but not the only one. I want you now. I want that promise we had when we were younger... I should have run off with you when you asked me, but I didn't. Now... now it's too late for that." He inched his hand towards Clark's and his fingers trembled when they touched. "Too late for anything but death."
Lex's head rested on Clark's shoulder heavily. His eyes slipped shut. "See you... in the next world. Clark. Love... you."
The last breath came out and Lex's body shuddered.
"Lex?" Clark couldn't hear... he couldn't hear him anymore. Nothing. Where Lex was resting against him, the fingers on his hand... nothing. Stillness. Lex was never still, never this empty. "Lex." Clark didn't dare move, least he disturb Lex resting against his shoulder. Tears were streaming down his face even as he labored to breathe. "The next world, Lex. I promise."
It was getting hard to see. Darkness over the city, darkness over them. Clark waited for the end.
Instead, a gloved hand forced his mouth open and liquid down his mouth, stroking his throat until he swallowed. Then he swallowed again, his strength coming back.
Clark opened his eyes. "Batman?" He glanced beside him, to see Lex's body crumpled on the ground next to him, shoved carelessly out of the way as Bruce saved Clark's life. "Lex." He reached over and gathered Lex's body in, holding him carefully. "Do you have more of the antidote?"
"He's dead," Bruce replied, his voice giving nothing away.
It was true. Lex was gone. Gone on to that next world beyond, expecting Clark to be there with him, but Clark wasn't, Clark was... Clark jerked his eyes up to Bruce. "You let him die! You were waiting. You had that ready for me, but you let him..." Clark stroked Lex's cheek, shuddering as the jaw fell loosely.
"I had a cure for his poison; I had none for his cancer. If I interrupted this death, who knows who he would have chosen to accompany him the next time he tried. Lois Lane? Metropolis? The world?" Batman swung around with a swirl of cape, pacing across the roof. He raised a hand to his communicator. "It's clear."
It was true. Clark knew it was, even as he mourned. Lex was crazy enough to kill thousands to go with him. Any semblance of rationality had been left long ago. The song playing now was the original Snoopy vs. the Red Baron. Ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty or more; the Bloody Red Baron was rollin' out the score. Death was nothing new, for Lex Luthor. Even his own. Clark held Lex's body and remembered pulling him out of the river, as limp as he was now. There was nothing CPR could do for him now, though.
Two more superheroes came onto the roof, their green and red costumes seeming too garish for the scene. At least Batman was in black. Clark was very well aware of his own brightly colored Superman outfit and wished that Lex had called him over as Clark. But Clark wouldn't have come. It was only Superman who could have fallen into this trap.
"He's really dead? It's really him?" Green Arrow sounded eager. Clark suppressed a flash of hatred for his friend, he knew others only saw Luthor's evil. As Lex had said.
"He's dead," Clark said, bowing his head over his former friend.
"Why so down?" Impulse asked as he darted around the rooftop and disabled security monitors. "You look like you've lost your best friend, not your worst enemy."
Superman growled. "I have." He stood up, carefully cradling Lex's body in his arms.
"He was never your friend!" Green Arrow snapped. "He only wanted to learn your secrets. You know that!"
"Enough, Green Arrow," Batman rumbled. "We need to get Luthor's files before they know he's dead. Your work is inside."
Clark ignored them. He had thought he had known that Lex was a liar, only wanting Clark's secrets. But with the silly song playing over the speaker and Lex's final words in his ears... Clark remembered when Lex had first introduced him to the songs, and they'd sung them together, goofing off in the castle for no other reason except to have fun. He remembered Lex's smile, the genuine happiness. That smile had dimmed over time to the polite mask and Clark had forgotten what it had been originally. Or had allowed himself to forget. He remembered his fist, smashing against the back of Lex's skull. To give himself time to rob the robbers robbing Lex, so Lex wouldn't see. For Lex's good, he'd told himself. The car, he had no excuse for, not even to protect Pete. He was the liar, not Lex.
"And Snoopy kills the Red Baron, ending the spree," Clark said softly. Then he launched himself from the roof, flying over the city. Lex dangled limply and Clark held him close. Lex would get his final resting ground with Clark. It may not be a pyramid, but Clark rather thought that Lex would appreciate the Ice Fortress. And Clark would be there. He would be with Lex until the end, and hopefully Lex would wait for him until then. "The next world, Lex. I promise."
... ... ...
Clark came back to himself, tears streaming down his face, kneeling in the dirt, his hands clutching the ground. He sobbed. "No, no, no..."
Near him, another voice was crying the same, "No, no!"
Clark didn't care about anybody else. He only cared that Lex was dead. Lex had died, killing himself, killing Clark, hatred and love mixed equally in his voice, but still wanting Clark. "No..." Clark stood shakily up, glancing down at himself, taking in the jeans and plaid flannel shirt he was wearing. No costume. This was now, not then. Not then at all. A dream... it wasn't a dream. Clark knew in his heart that it was real. It was like Cassandra's visions, but instead of symbolism, this was an actual slice of the future that was in store for him. Lex was going to die. Lex was going to be his enemy, and Lex was going to die.
"NO!" Clark howled at the sky, throwing his head back, the tears shaking off his face.
He launched himself into the air, needing to get away. He made it about ten feet off the ground before he crashed face-first into the dirt.
Oddly enough, that reassured him somewhat. This was not that world. Clark didn't doubt that that world existed in the future, but this wasn't it. This was now, and Lex...
Clark ran. He ran as fast as he could, things bending in his wake with the force of his passing.
Inside the castle room, Lex was in a meeting with other people. Clark didn't even look at them, heading straight for Lex, listening to Lex, looking at him. Lex was alive. Lex was breathing, Lex was alive, he was warm, he was holding Clark and Clark was holding him and, oh god, Lex was alive.
Vaguely, Clark heard Lex ordering everybody out, but he couldn't hear well, and he didn't really care. His face was buried in the shoulder of Lex's shirt, which was getting wet, which probably wasn't good for whatever high-quality fabric he was wearing. But Lex was reassuring him that he didn't care about that, and Lex's voice was music in his ears. He was alive.
"Yes, I'm alive. Clark... Clark, what happened? It's okay. It's okay, Clark. I have you. Shhh... it's okay, it's okay."
Clark couldn't stop crying. Lex had died. Lex was comforting Clark after Clark had just come from watching Lex die. He held onto the live Lex and let the tears flow.
The murmur of reassurance and protection went on over him, a flow of sound of comfort and love that Clark's soul clung to as much as his body clung to Lex's. This was not a trick, somebody trying to get his secrets. This was Lex. Holding him, caring for him, being there for him for no other reason except Clark needed him. Clark needed Lex and Lex was there.
"Clark, I'll just go get---"
"No!" Clark clung tighter. "Don't go. Don't go, Lex."
"I won't. Shh... I won't. Clark, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."
Clark's tears were starting to dry up as he absorbed the reality of Lex in his arms.
Perhaps sensing this, Lex tried again, gently. "What happened, Clark?"
"My best friend died..." Clark could still see Lex's body, feel it limp in his arms as he flew.
Lex jerked. "Pete! What happened... Oh God, Clark."
"Not Pete. Pete's fine." Clark presumed he was. At the moment, he didn't really care. "You. Lex. You died. It was the future and we were fighting and you died and I... God, Lex. I don't want you to die. Even then, even when we were enemies, I didn't want you to die. See you in the next world, but I don't want it to be the next world, I want it to be this world, and I want you to be alive, not dead, and us together, and not... not that."
Lex had pulled a little bit away from Clark to look at him. "Clark," he asked cautiously, "Did you encounter anything strange?"
Clark had to laugh bitterly at that. The whole thing had been strange. Strange, and real in a way that Clark didn't want it to be. "Lex, I'm sorry I hit you to knock you unconscious. Not that you remember it because you were unconscious, but well, you do, I guess, since you brought it up. But anyhow, I'm sorry for it."
Wiggling an arm free from Clark's embrace, Lex raised his hand to Clark's forehead. "Are you always this hot?"
Clark shrugged. "Mom says my normal temperature is about 102. Always has been. Used to freak her out when I was a baby, but she got used to it."
"One-oh..." Lex's mouth dropped open.
"I'm sorry I lied to you, that I keep lying to you. I don't want to, I really don't. But---"
Lex's hand moved down over Clark's mouth. "Clark, don't say anything you'll regret later. I don't think you're thinking right now."
Clark laughed hysterically through Lex's hand. "Most regretted," he mumbled, his lips moving on Lex's fingers. It felt... it felt good. Experimentally, he gave a little lick.
The hand disappeared so fast it was like Lex had super-speed. If Clark hadn't still had his arms wrapped around Lex, he didn't think Lex would still be right next to him either. But he wasn't going to say sorry. Not for that. Lex was looking at him in astonishment, and his color was high, but he wasn't freaked out, and he wasn't disgusted. That was... Clark remembered Lex's last words, and Clark wondered.
"Lex, do you love me?"
The color in Lex's face drained abruptly, leaving him pale. Almost instantly, he regained his composure, mostly, and he smiled at Clark. "Like a brother, Clark. What do you need?"
Half a lie. The part Lex thought Clark could accept. Or the lie Lex told himself to stay near Clark. "Do I always need something?" Clark wondered. Lately, it seemed like he had been asking for quite a lot. As Lex had said as he sat next to Clark and drank poisoned wine. Clark's gaze dropped to Lex's throat and he watched the Adam's apple bob as Lex gulped.
"Clark, you're my friend. Anything you want, anything you need, it's okay. And, uh, you can let go of me now, if you're feeling better..."
Clark tightened his hold. "I'm sorry about lying about the car. You were right not to give me the money, that wouldn't have solved anything, but I had this hair-brained idea that we could race with your car... and then I took it and I returned it, and I lied to you about it."
Lex exhaled, sounding defeated. "I thought it was you. I couldn't understand, though, why you wouldn't just say you had..."
"I don't know." Clark really, honestly, didn't. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but right now... right now, Clark had no idea why.
"Look, Clark..." Lex tried to run his free hand over his head, but there wasn't enough space for that. "Clark, can you let me go now? Are you better?"
"No," Clark whispered. "You died, and it's not going to be okay. You're alive, and..." Clark loosened one hand from his hold around Lex and moved it to the front of Lex's chest, over his heart. "I can hear your heart beat. I can feel it. Lex, you're alive." He dropped his head down onto Lex's chest over his hand, bending his knees so he could fit. He wished he was shorter because this was uncomfortable, but he didn't care, because he needed this.
Lex's arms went back around him, cradling him gently. "It's okay, Clark." After a moment more, Lex cautiously asked, "You didn't, by any chance, run into Handal Huntley, did you? One of the staff was in tears yesterday... I was going to go by and talk to him today but got caught up."
Clark jerked out of Lex's grasp. "No!" He put his hands on Lex's shoulders and stared earnestly at him. "No. No, you can't go see him. Don't." Most regretted. Clark didn't want Lex anywhere within five miles of Handal, not with Lex's tendency for victimicy. Although... he wasn't actually sure if Handal was still alive. He remembered hearing a gunshot as he was leaving.
"I guess that answers that question," Lex said dryly. "Clark, it'll be okay. The effects will wear off after awhile. Don't say anything you don't regret now, because---"
Clark put his hand over Lex's mouth. He didn't want to hear the word 'regret' again. There was enough he regretted now, and would regret later. Unless he could change things. He didn't want that future. He didn't want Lex to be dead in his arms, he didn't want to be Lex's enemy. It didn't have to be that way, he knew it didn't.
"Lex," Clark took a breath.
"No." Lex pulled Clark's hand away so he could speak. "Not today." He breathed out, looking frustrated. "Look, Clark... I know you mean what you say now, but I don't want this to come back on us later. Tomorrow. If you still want to tell me something, you can tell me tomorrow." He hesitated. "And... and I have to show you a room. You may not want to tell me anything, after that."
Clark remembered that room, from the future. Though things were starting to fade from his memory about that future. He couldn't hold onto the details. But Lex's death stood out clearly still. Clark shook his head. "Tomorrow," he agreed. Another world he would meet Lex in. But... "I'm not leaving tonight, though. If you have a sleeping bag I can borrow or something. I can't..." Clark shuddered, remembering. "I can't leave you alone."
Lex hesitated. "Your parents."
"I'll borrow your phone and tell them. But," Clark drew back a little, as far as he dared to. It wasn't very far. "I'm not leaving you."
"All right," Lex agreed, giving in.
And with that, Clark could let him go. He knew that Lex was his friend, his best friend. It wasn't just to find out his secrets, and Clark marveled that he could ever had believed that. It was because Lex loved him. Maybe tomorrow Clark would explore that some more too. For now, though, it was enough that Lex was alive. Clark wouldn't be making the same mistakes he had, and Lex would stay alive. He would. Clark would make sure of it.
... ... ...
"Why do you always play that song at Christmas?" Lex came up beside Clark, a glass in his hand and a smile on his face.
Clark turned from the city view and looked at Lex. Strong, healthy, happy, and sane. It had been years since Smallville, and Clark had kept his promise. He'd kept Lex, too. That promise that had been in Lex's words and Lex's eyes had been fulfilled in their bodies and hearts in this life. This Lex was a strong Lex, secure in Clark's love, and able to do all the good deeds he wanted to do.
"A reminder. You're the one who introduced me to the song." Clark slipped his arm around Lex's waist and turned to the city again.
"To my ever-lasting regret," Lex laughed as he sipped the sparkling cider. "Can you hear the bells below? Do they even do that anymore?"
Clark listened through the Metropolis noise and found a church that was celebrating Christmas. "Yes." He took the glass from Lex's hand and drank from it, then put it to one side.
Holding Lex, he kissed him, tasting the cider and Lex together. Lex eagerly returned the kiss. And they were together on another Christmas eve.
This was the other world they had found, and Clark was keeping this one.
Christmas bells, those Christmas bells,
Ringing through the land
Bringing peace to all the world
And good will to man.
END
Fandom: Smallville - Pairing: Clex
Rating: PG-13 - Size: 5,075
Type: drama, angst, h/c
Warnings: DEATH FIC. Sortof. It gets better.
-- Seriously - I made myself cry on this one... so even though it has a happy ending (really, it does!), only read this if you can spend some time crying first. O.O
Spoilers: none
Summary: A meteor mutant shows Clark what he will most regret in his future. Will Clark learn from it?
Disclaimer: Only mine in my dreams. ;-) This story was written for free entertainment purposes only and may not be reproduced for profit or altered without permission.
Notes:
Set mid-season 3. For the h/c bingo card, square "showing character the error of his ways." Beta by Ronda. Cross-posted to Archive of Our Own
Most Regretted
"I think these suicides are suspicious." Chloe shoved a handful of newspaper clippings into Clark's hands.
Clark flipped through them. "Chloe, two people killed themselves, they both left notes, the police investigated, and they're ruled suicides. What is suspicious about that?"
"Because they were happy the day before they died! Each of them. Just going about their lives in normal, regular day-to-day things, then they meet up with Handal and the next day, boom, they're dead."
Clark checked the articles again. Nope, didn’t say a word about Handal, the new carpenter in town. Before he got to that, though... "A lot of people who are suicidal don't give any indication ahead of time. In fact, sometimes they are happier, because they've made a decision."
Chloe tapped her foot impatiently. "And Handal?"
"Where'd you get that information? And he's been doing a lot of work around town after the last storm. I bet dozens of people have met him, and there's only two people dead. That's not exactly a statistic."
"I never reveal my sources," Chloe said with a grin. "But it's true. As for statistics..." She frowned and turned to her computer. "Three other people he met with have left town abruptly; two on trips, another permanently. Fred Jenkins is running around telling everybody he's sorry and jumping at shadows. Mark Hawthorn has reconciled with his wife. And I've had other odd reports from other people. And..." She paused and raised her eyebrows at Clark.
Clark sighed. "Let me guess. Handal was in Smallville on the day of the meteors."
"You got it! Well, the week after. He was making repairs to a lot of the homes and shops damaged in the shower."
It was enough to investigate. Clark admitted it while at the same time not wanting Chloe anywhere near somebody who made people commit suicide. Chloe was a strong person and she was the one who did most of the investigation work, but when it came down to her being in danger from those investigations... Clark resolved to go check out Handal first, before Chloe had her scheduled meeting with him.
... ... ...
Handal raised his hammer and brought it down upon the nail. "Is there anything you've ever regretted in your life?"
"Huh?" Clark shifted from side to side, uneasy. So far, Handal was just another guy, working on Mr. Merkin's chicken coop.
"Regret is sorrow for something you have done, something you would change if you could."
"Well, sure, yeah." Clark winced, thinking of the meteors. "Doesn't everybody?"
"Not the little things, the things we all do. Or the things we haven't done but just think we're responsible for. I mean real regrets, something that you should never have done and did anyhow and now shove it off to the side of your mind and forget because otherwise it would drive you crazy to remember. It may not be something you've done now, but something you will do. Or a lot of little somethings that add up to a future 'if only' to regret."
Future regrets? Okay, Chloe was right. This guy was off his rocker and Clark suspected little green rocks were part of the problem. Clark sighed. "Now, Handal..."
Handal put down the hammer and walked up to him. "I feel them, you know. Not everybody has them. Most people only have the little ones, the ones life always gives us. But for some people... it just burns. Yours burn green, and bright, and hot. Other people. It's always other people." He reached out and clasped Clark's hand in his.
Clark was surprised for one instant too long and didn't pull away. He gasped as he felt sorrow rise up like a tidal wave and he wanted to cry. In front of him, Handal really was crying.
"What... not me... I don't... it never... why am I..." Tears streamed from Handal's eyes, the paths outlining the shock on his face.
Obviously, Clark's alienness was causing another reaction than the one Handal had expected. For a moment, Clark glimpsed a younger Handal, holding somebody's hand while a meteor rock shown brightly nearby. Then Clark's vision was swept away by the sorrow and he was carried off somewhere else.
... ... ...
Superman flew over Metropolis, heading for Lex Corp Tower. He had gotten Luthor's summons, complete with hostage, and though he'd freed an angry Lois, Luthor himself was nowhere to be seen. The summons was clear, though, and as the city celebrated the night before Christmas below, Superman sought his enemy.
He landed on the rooftop and took a few steps forward before he paused, cocking his head to listen to the song playing through the surround sound. In front of him, the table covered with a red cloth and wine glasses made a little more sense, with the song.
The news had come out in the First World War
The bloody Red Baron was flying once more
The Allied Command ignored all of its men
And called on Snoopy to do it again.
"Snoopy vs. the Red Baron?" Superman asked, amused. He hadn't heard the song for... well, since he'd last been friends with Lex. His mouth tightened, and he remembered he shouldn't be amused.
Lex Luthor approached from the shadows, his hands in his pockets. "Snoopy's Christmas. Snoopy vs. The Red Baron is a different song."
"What do you want, Luthor?" Superman hardened his heart. It had been long ago since then and he wouldn't let memories get in the way.
Luthor tisked as he walked to the table and poured himself a glass of the wine. "Goodwill to men. It's the night before Christmas, and I thought we could share a toast. As old enemies do."
Around them, the lyrics of the song echoed out the same. A pause in the fight, a moment between them and then to fight another day. Clark watched Lex sipping his wine and he sighed. "One glass, no tricks."
"No tricks, Clark," Lex agreed, with what passed for a smile these days upon his lips.
Clark looked at him sharply at the use of his name.
"It's just us," Lex said with a shrug. He waved his hand around the penthouse roof. "I promise, no recording devices. Just you, me, and the city below."
Clark was so tired of fighting Lex. He poured himself a glass of the wine and sipped it cautiously. "So you're the Red Baron?" He tried to keep it light, but some of his bitterness showed in his voice, he knew.
"Aren't I?" Lex smiled again, this time with a harder, mocking edge. "That would, of course, make you Snoopy." He raised his glass to Clark and then drank again.
Clark returned the toast, hopeful. Perhaps, this time, for once... A knot of pain spread out from his stomach and spread through his body. He coughed, dropping the glass and watching as it shattered in slow motion. The table went down beside him as he collapsed on it. Pain.
Lex looked down and sipped his wine. "Was it something you drank?"
"Lex..." Clark got to his knees but no further before he collapsed again.
"You sound so surprised. Why would it surprise you, after all this time? Isn't that what you expect from me? Lies and deceit? I am, after all, a Luthor, not ever to be trusted."
Clark rolled over and gasped, his lungs tight, longing for air. He couldn't focus... then he could. The pain was still there, but somewhat removed, off to one side. He tried to move, but his limbs wouldn't obey him. "Lex, what...?"
"Poison, of course." Lex put his glass down as he helped Clark up into a sitting position, back against the wall. "That's better." He picked up his glass again and then sat next to Clark, looking out over the city. "I'm sorry about the pain. Yours has kryptonite in it, of course, and then something for the muscles so you won't fly away. I tried to make something without pain for you, but with the kryptonite, it couldn't be helped."
Lex sounded so reasonable... but that had always been the problem. So reasonable, so sincere, so caring about Clark while he destroyed everything around them. "Why?"
"Ah, the eternal question why. Why the poison? Why the deceit? Why the song? Why you? Why now? Why are you such an idiot that you stood there and drank your own death?"
"You... lied." Clark forced out.
"Again, you sound so astonished. But that was always the problem wasn't it." Lex sighed. "It was all right for you to lie to me, oh of course it was. But me? I was expected to tell you everything and anything, no matter what, no matter when. Government contract? Who cares – an oath was supposed to mean nothing if it mean you should have the truth. Your friends steal thousands, then millions from me? Oh, that should be nothing to me, and I should forgive them, for they are your friends. You make a mistake and I'm to forgive you, for you are but a teenager. Chloe makes a mistake, but oh, she meant well, so you forgive her. I make a mistake? I'm evil and horrible and never ever to be forgiven because I'm a Luthor and Luthors are evil and it doesn't matter what I meant to do. You'll take me back if I beg, but grudgingly, and only because if you didn't, I may not give gifts to your friends any more. But find another billionaire, and oh, it's time to throw Lex out on the streets because he's a Luthor after all." Lex paused for more wine.
Clark flinched; it hadn't been like that. "You were doing bad things!" He coughed and started to slide over.
Lex righted Clark and then sipped his wine again. "Maybe I was, later on. But who told me no? Oh, I know who did, it was the person who stole my car and then lied about it. It was the person who asked for my help and then hit me on the head and gave me a concussion so you could steal what they were stealing. It was the person who always always waited until I was unconscious before doing anything, so I wouldn't see you, no matter how close to death me or any of my people came in the meantime. It was the person who lied and lied and lied and looked me in the face and lied and then lied some more. Yet, you're surprised now that I'm lying? Who is the real bad one, Clark? You did all that before I ever did anything."
There was nothing Clark could say to that, except, "That's not how it was..."
With a laugh, Lex poured himself some more wine. "Yes, it was. Don't lie. Though I suppose you're so used to it, you don't even notice it anymore." The song came to an end and switched to the next one on the tape. Lex sighed. "I could have forgiven you the lies about yourself. It was, after all, a huge secret for a teenager. It was driving me crazy, but I did understand that. It was the other ones, the ones about my car, the ones about Belle Reve, the ones about my father... the god-damn-concussion. You know, if I wasn’t a mutant myself with healing powers, I could have died from that. If you hit somebody hard enough to knock them out, it's hard enough to bruise the brain or fracture the skull. But I said nothing, because it was you. I should have dropped you, left Smallville, left you. But I stayed, because you said you were my friend. Any scrap from you, even when we were fighting... any hint of your attention was enough to keep me there. I was a fool."
Lex finished his drink and then tossed the glass over the wall. "But then, so were you."
Clark's breathing was labored. "Why..."
Lex turned and glared at him.
"...now. Why now?"
The city commanded Lex's attention, and he leaned against Clark's shoulder. "I'm sorry, I'm not being a good host. I didn't invite you over here for us to fight together."
Clark raised his eyebrows. "Could have... fooled... me."
"It's true," Lex insisted, snuggling a little closer to Clark. "I invited you here so we could die together."
With an effort of will, Clark turned his head. Lex was pale, his skin almost translucent. What Clark had mistaken for snuggling was in fact Lex's body going limp beside him. "Lex..."
"I'm dying," Lex said, his breath shallow but his words clear. "No cure. And if I was to die, I wanted my best friend, my enemy, my balance and my other, to be in my tomb with me. Raise the pyramid around us, seal us in, together, forever."
Clark caught his breath, half-longing for that vision. But another part of him rebelled. "The world---"
"The world can go fuck itself," Lex harshly interrupted. "You've saved it more times than it deserves. Somebody else can save it next time. You're a hero, but not the only one. I want you now. I want that promise we had when we were younger... I should have run off with you when you asked me, but I didn't. Now... now it's too late for that." He inched his hand towards Clark's and his fingers trembled when they touched. "Too late for anything but death."
Lex's head rested on Clark's shoulder heavily. His eyes slipped shut. "See you... in the next world. Clark. Love... you."
The last breath came out and Lex's body shuddered.
"Lex?" Clark couldn't hear... he couldn't hear him anymore. Nothing. Where Lex was resting against him, the fingers on his hand... nothing. Stillness. Lex was never still, never this empty. "Lex." Clark didn't dare move, least he disturb Lex resting against his shoulder. Tears were streaming down his face even as he labored to breathe. "The next world, Lex. I promise."
It was getting hard to see. Darkness over the city, darkness over them. Clark waited for the end.
Instead, a gloved hand forced his mouth open and liquid down his mouth, stroking his throat until he swallowed. Then he swallowed again, his strength coming back.
Clark opened his eyes. "Batman?" He glanced beside him, to see Lex's body crumpled on the ground next to him, shoved carelessly out of the way as Bruce saved Clark's life. "Lex." He reached over and gathered Lex's body in, holding him carefully. "Do you have more of the antidote?"
"He's dead," Bruce replied, his voice giving nothing away.
It was true. Lex was gone. Gone on to that next world beyond, expecting Clark to be there with him, but Clark wasn't, Clark was... Clark jerked his eyes up to Bruce. "You let him die! You were waiting. You had that ready for me, but you let him..." Clark stroked Lex's cheek, shuddering as the jaw fell loosely.
"I had a cure for his poison; I had none for his cancer. If I interrupted this death, who knows who he would have chosen to accompany him the next time he tried. Lois Lane? Metropolis? The world?" Batman swung around with a swirl of cape, pacing across the roof. He raised a hand to his communicator. "It's clear."
It was true. Clark knew it was, even as he mourned. Lex was crazy enough to kill thousands to go with him. Any semblance of rationality had been left long ago. The song playing now was the original Snoopy vs. the Red Baron. Ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty or more; the Bloody Red Baron was rollin' out the score. Death was nothing new, for Lex Luthor. Even his own. Clark held Lex's body and remembered pulling him out of the river, as limp as he was now. There was nothing CPR could do for him now, though.
Two more superheroes came onto the roof, their green and red costumes seeming too garish for the scene. At least Batman was in black. Clark was very well aware of his own brightly colored Superman outfit and wished that Lex had called him over as Clark. But Clark wouldn't have come. It was only Superman who could have fallen into this trap.
"He's really dead? It's really him?" Green Arrow sounded eager. Clark suppressed a flash of hatred for his friend, he knew others only saw Luthor's evil. As Lex had said.
"He's dead," Clark said, bowing his head over his former friend.
"Why so down?" Impulse asked as he darted around the rooftop and disabled security monitors. "You look like you've lost your best friend, not your worst enemy."
Superman growled. "I have." He stood up, carefully cradling Lex's body in his arms.
"He was never your friend!" Green Arrow snapped. "He only wanted to learn your secrets. You know that!"
"Enough, Green Arrow," Batman rumbled. "We need to get Luthor's files before they know he's dead. Your work is inside."
Clark ignored them. He had thought he had known that Lex was a liar, only wanting Clark's secrets. But with the silly song playing over the speaker and Lex's final words in his ears... Clark remembered when Lex had first introduced him to the songs, and they'd sung them together, goofing off in the castle for no other reason except to have fun. He remembered Lex's smile, the genuine happiness. That smile had dimmed over time to the polite mask and Clark had forgotten what it had been originally. Or had allowed himself to forget. He remembered his fist, smashing against the back of Lex's skull. To give himself time to rob the robbers robbing Lex, so Lex wouldn't see. For Lex's good, he'd told himself. The car, he had no excuse for, not even to protect Pete. He was the liar, not Lex.
"And Snoopy kills the Red Baron, ending the spree," Clark said softly. Then he launched himself from the roof, flying over the city. Lex dangled limply and Clark held him close. Lex would get his final resting ground with Clark. It may not be a pyramid, but Clark rather thought that Lex would appreciate the Ice Fortress. And Clark would be there. He would be with Lex until the end, and hopefully Lex would wait for him until then. "The next world, Lex. I promise."
... ... ...
Clark came back to himself, tears streaming down his face, kneeling in the dirt, his hands clutching the ground. He sobbed. "No, no, no..."
Near him, another voice was crying the same, "No, no!"
Clark didn't care about anybody else. He only cared that Lex was dead. Lex had died, killing himself, killing Clark, hatred and love mixed equally in his voice, but still wanting Clark. "No..." Clark stood shakily up, glancing down at himself, taking in the jeans and plaid flannel shirt he was wearing. No costume. This was now, not then. Not then at all. A dream... it wasn't a dream. Clark knew in his heart that it was real. It was like Cassandra's visions, but instead of symbolism, this was an actual slice of the future that was in store for him. Lex was going to die. Lex was going to be his enemy, and Lex was going to die.
"NO!" Clark howled at the sky, throwing his head back, the tears shaking off his face.
He launched himself into the air, needing to get away. He made it about ten feet off the ground before he crashed face-first into the dirt.
Oddly enough, that reassured him somewhat. This was not that world. Clark didn't doubt that that world existed in the future, but this wasn't it. This was now, and Lex...
Clark ran. He ran as fast as he could, things bending in his wake with the force of his passing.
Inside the castle room, Lex was in a meeting with other people. Clark didn't even look at them, heading straight for Lex, listening to Lex, looking at him. Lex was alive. Lex was breathing, Lex was alive, he was warm, he was holding Clark and Clark was holding him and, oh god, Lex was alive.
Vaguely, Clark heard Lex ordering everybody out, but he couldn't hear well, and he didn't really care. His face was buried in the shoulder of Lex's shirt, which was getting wet, which probably wasn't good for whatever high-quality fabric he was wearing. But Lex was reassuring him that he didn't care about that, and Lex's voice was music in his ears. He was alive.
"Yes, I'm alive. Clark... Clark, what happened? It's okay. It's okay, Clark. I have you. Shhh... it's okay, it's okay."
Clark couldn't stop crying. Lex had died. Lex was comforting Clark after Clark had just come from watching Lex die. He held onto the live Lex and let the tears flow.
The murmur of reassurance and protection went on over him, a flow of sound of comfort and love that Clark's soul clung to as much as his body clung to Lex's. This was not a trick, somebody trying to get his secrets. This was Lex. Holding him, caring for him, being there for him for no other reason except Clark needed him. Clark needed Lex and Lex was there.
"Clark, I'll just go get---"
"No!" Clark clung tighter. "Don't go. Don't go, Lex."
"I won't. Shh... I won't. Clark, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."
Clark's tears were starting to dry up as he absorbed the reality of Lex in his arms.
Perhaps sensing this, Lex tried again, gently. "What happened, Clark?"
"My best friend died..." Clark could still see Lex's body, feel it limp in his arms as he flew.
Lex jerked. "Pete! What happened... Oh God, Clark."
"Not Pete. Pete's fine." Clark presumed he was. At the moment, he didn't really care. "You. Lex. You died. It was the future and we were fighting and you died and I... God, Lex. I don't want you to die. Even then, even when we were enemies, I didn't want you to die. See you in the next world, but I don't want it to be the next world, I want it to be this world, and I want you to be alive, not dead, and us together, and not... not that."
Lex had pulled a little bit away from Clark to look at him. "Clark," he asked cautiously, "Did you encounter anything strange?"
Clark had to laugh bitterly at that. The whole thing had been strange. Strange, and real in a way that Clark didn't want it to be. "Lex, I'm sorry I hit you to knock you unconscious. Not that you remember it because you were unconscious, but well, you do, I guess, since you brought it up. But anyhow, I'm sorry for it."
Wiggling an arm free from Clark's embrace, Lex raised his hand to Clark's forehead. "Are you always this hot?"
Clark shrugged. "Mom says my normal temperature is about 102. Always has been. Used to freak her out when I was a baby, but she got used to it."
"One-oh..." Lex's mouth dropped open.
"I'm sorry I lied to you, that I keep lying to you. I don't want to, I really don't. But---"
Lex's hand moved down over Clark's mouth. "Clark, don't say anything you'll regret later. I don't think you're thinking right now."
Clark laughed hysterically through Lex's hand. "Most regretted," he mumbled, his lips moving on Lex's fingers. It felt... it felt good. Experimentally, he gave a little lick.
The hand disappeared so fast it was like Lex had super-speed. If Clark hadn't still had his arms wrapped around Lex, he didn't think Lex would still be right next to him either. But he wasn't going to say sorry. Not for that. Lex was looking at him in astonishment, and his color was high, but he wasn't freaked out, and he wasn't disgusted. That was... Clark remembered Lex's last words, and Clark wondered.
"Lex, do you love me?"
The color in Lex's face drained abruptly, leaving him pale. Almost instantly, he regained his composure, mostly, and he smiled at Clark. "Like a brother, Clark. What do you need?"
Half a lie. The part Lex thought Clark could accept. Or the lie Lex told himself to stay near Clark. "Do I always need something?" Clark wondered. Lately, it seemed like he had been asking for quite a lot. As Lex had said as he sat next to Clark and drank poisoned wine. Clark's gaze dropped to Lex's throat and he watched the Adam's apple bob as Lex gulped.
"Clark, you're my friend. Anything you want, anything you need, it's okay. And, uh, you can let go of me now, if you're feeling better..."
Clark tightened his hold. "I'm sorry about lying about the car. You were right not to give me the money, that wouldn't have solved anything, but I had this hair-brained idea that we could race with your car... and then I took it and I returned it, and I lied to you about it."
Lex exhaled, sounding defeated. "I thought it was you. I couldn't understand, though, why you wouldn't just say you had..."
"I don't know." Clark really, honestly, didn't. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but right now... right now, Clark had no idea why.
"Look, Clark..." Lex tried to run his free hand over his head, but there wasn't enough space for that. "Clark, can you let me go now? Are you better?"
"No," Clark whispered. "You died, and it's not going to be okay. You're alive, and..." Clark loosened one hand from his hold around Lex and moved it to the front of Lex's chest, over his heart. "I can hear your heart beat. I can feel it. Lex, you're alive." He dropped his head down onto Lex's chest over his hand, bending his knees so he could fit. He wished he was shorter because this was uncomfortable, but he didn't care, because he needed this.
Lex's arms went back around him, cradling him gently. "It's okay, Clark." After a moment more, Lex cautiously asked, "You didn't, by any chance, run into Handal Huntley, did you? One of the staff was in tears yesterday... I was going to go by and talk to him today but got caught up."
Clark jerked out of Lex's grasp. "No!" He put his hands on Lex's shoulders and stared earnestly at him. "No. No, you can't go see him. Don't." Most regretted. Clark didn't want Lex anywhere within five miles of Handal, not with Lex's tendency for victimicy. Although... he wasn't actually sure if Handal was still alive. He remembered hearing a gunshot as he was leaving.
"I guess that answers that question," Lex said dryly. "Clark, it'll be okay. The effects will wear off after awhile. Don't say anything you don't regret now, because---"
Clark put his hand over Lex's mouth. He didn't want to hear the word 'regret' again. There was enough he regretted now, and would regret later. Unless he could change things. He didn't want that future. He didn't want Lex to be dead in his arms, he didn't want to be Lex's enemy. It didn't have to be that way, he knew it didn't.
"Lex," Clark took a breath.
"No." Lex pulled Clark's hand away so he could speak. "Not today." He breathed out, looking frustrated. "Look, Clark... I know you mean what you say now, but I don't want this to come back on us later. Tomorrow. If you still want to tell me something, you can tell me tomorrow." He hesitated. "And... and I have to show you a room. You may not want to tell me anything, after that."
Clark remembered that room, from the future. Though things were starting to fade from his memory about that future. He couldn't hold onto the details. But Lex's death stood out clearly still. Clark shook his head. "Tomorrow," he agreed. Another world he would meet Lex in. But... "I'm not leaving tonight, though. If you have a sleeping bag I can borrow or something. I can't..." Clark shuddered, remembering. "I can't leave you alone."
Lex hesitated. "Your parents."
"I'll borrow your phone and tell them. But," Clark drew back a little, as far as he dared to. It wasn't very far. "I'm not leaving you."
"All right," Lex agreed, giving in.
And with that, Clark could let him go. He knew that Lex was his friend, his best friend. It wasn't just to find out his secrets, and Clark marveled that he could ever had believed that. It was because Lex loved him. Maybe tomorrow Clark would explore that some more too. For now, though, it was enough that Lex was alive. Clark wouldn't be making the same mistakes he had, and Lex would stay alive. He would. Clark would make sure of it.
... ... ...
"Why do you always play that song at Christmas?" Lex came up beside Clark, a glass in his hand and a smile on his face.
Clark turned from the city view and looked at Lex. Strong, healthy, happy, and sane. It had been years since Smallville, and Clark had kept his promise. He'd kept Lex, too. That promise that had been in Lex's words and Lex's eyes had been fulfilled in their bodies and hearts in this life. This Lex was a strong Lex, secure in Clark's love, and able to do all the good deeds he wanted to do.
"A reminder. You're the one who introduced me to the song." Clark slipped his arm around Lex's waist and turned to the city again.
"To my ever-lasting regret," Lex laughed as he sipped the sparkling cider. "Can you hear the bells below? Do they even do that anymore?"
Clark listened through the Metropolis noise and found a church that was celebrating Christmas. "Yes." He took the glass from Lex's hand and drank from it, then put it to one side.
Holding Lex, he kissed him, tasting the cider and Lex together. Lex eagerly returned the kiss. And they were together on another Christmas eve.
This was the other world they had found, and Clark was keeping this one.
Christmas bells, those Christmas bells,
Ringing through the land
Bringing peace to all the world
And good will to man.